Falling Deeper

I'm falling deeper into a pit that I've created for myself.

We presented our scenes from the Crucible in english class yesterday. I remembered all my lines and had them on cue and everything, and had a lot of emotion. Jamese pulled everything together really well, and did a really good job. Aaron, on the other hand, got stage fright and forgot most of his lines. I was doing a really serious scene with him, and it's kinda hard to do a good scene when you have to whisper his lines to him, and when he doesn't hear you, Mrs. Allman has to give him his lines from the audience. So it totally sucked and Mrs. Allman accidentally made us end early and I'm like, "Oh we have a couple more lines to stumble through!" Ok so I didn't say that..... But then she asked Jamese what the symbolism was in our first formation so Jamese rambles off on some tangent because she was in ISS the day that we decided the symbolism. So I step in and give the explanation. Mrs. Allman looked a little upset and proceded to explain to us that we wouldn't get full credit because not everybody in our group knew the symbolism. So in an attempt to save my butt, I explained the whole "Jamese wasn't there" dilemma. I'm not sure how it will work when it comes to points.

But I'm really really really upset about all of this. I want to go talk to Mrs. Allman about it just to get rid of all my pent-up energy over this matter. But I don't want to be weak and cry or sound whiny or like a perfectionist, etc. But Maggie, Olivia, and my dad all think that talking to Mrs. Allman about it is a good idea.

Why am I doing this to myself? English class is my favorite class, and Mrs. Allman is one of the best teachers that I've ever had.... so why am I ruining myself through english class? First the kiss, then the crying, now the crappy performance - is it the things that we love doing the most that tear us down? I've seen myself ruin myself for dance. I've seen people ruin themselves with an obsession for war or drugs or alcohol.

Why are constantly falling deeper into the holes that we've created for ourselves???